I avoid the thing I love most

It’s funny. I actively avoid doing the thing I’m most passionate about.

Creating stuff.

There’s something about doing creative projects that brings a lot of resistance for me.

And almost like going to the gym, it’s one of those things that I will continue to drag my feet about, but when I finally do start I’m so glad that I did.

And it never changes.

I know based on experience over the years that once I start working I’ll get in a groove and get a ton of enjoyment and fulfillment from it, but I still can’t help but not want to do it in the moment.

This goes double for projects with other people.

I helped a buddy this past week with a short he wanted to shoot. He wanted me to help him light and color grade it.

And classically, when we met up for lunch about it, we talked and got really excited about the project, and doing stuff, and how doing the work is the key to success in this industry (it is) and left feeling good.

But once that initial excitement left, the dread came in.

And if I’m honest I know where a lot of that dread comes from.

It’s crazy that after almost 20 years being a filmmaker, I still have a fistful of anxiety and imposter syndrome when I go to create projects with other people.

A part of me has always felt like I’m winging it. And somehow I’ve just been lucky enough for it to work up to this point.

And that by working with other people, I’ll be put in a situation or someone is going to ask me a question I don’t know the answer to and I’m gonna be exposed.

People will find out that instead of the confident person I project I’m actually riddled with self analysis and internal judgement.

It’s part of what has gotten me to where I am, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with.

Every project starts this way, and once we actually get into the swing of things I remember:

“Oh yeah, I do know what I’m doing.”

“Oh yeah, problems and running into things you don’t know are part of the process, and actually, solving them and learning something new is my favorite part of it.”

“Oh yeah, filmmaking is just solving problems one after the other until the project is complete.”

And slowly my confidence returns and I’m in my element.

And as good as I feel, and as confident as I am leaving a project, it only takes a few days for that feeling to start to dissolve until I’m left again with the same anxious feelings the next time something pops up.

But there’s a couple of things I was reminded of this past week about doing projects like this.

The first is that you can love something that you do or that you’re pursuing but not always feel stoked and excited to go and do it.

That resistance doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for it, but is actually a feature of doing creative things.

The second is that you can’t improve creatively by theorizing about it. You have to actually be doing the thing in order to get good at it.

That seems like a no brainer, but how many newsletters like this do you read, or tutorials do you watch and think you’re making progress, only to look up and be in the exact same place a year later?

Watching and “learning” from other people doing the things you want to be doing is the most dangerous way to stay stuck right where you are.

Because it allows you to feel like you’re doing the thing when you aren’t. It’s really a form of procrastination.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge advocate of learning from other people (that’s why I write these) but you have to be doing the thing too, or else it’s for nothing.

Or else you’ll look up one day and life will have snuck by you between every “I’ll start next week” and “I just need a little more time to be ready” that you told yourself.

The people you look up to the most deal with the same exact thoughts and self doubt you do. They just do the thing anyway.

I hope this helps,

Caleb