Anxiety Rules My Life
If you had a year to live, what would you do?
That's a question I feel like we've all thought about at one point or another.
Mostly as light hearted conversation, or a way to find out what is really important to us or other people.
But not many of us are actually faced with that as a possible reality.
Especially not at a younger age.
When I used to think about that question, I'd say the usual.
"Oh I'd travel! I'd try a bunch of things I've always been curious about but never tried!"
Well, when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer in 2020, I got a real taste of how I'd really respond.
Oral cancer is a rare form of cancer, something like 2 or 3 percent of cancers.
And patients under 35 that develop this form of cancer are something like 2 percent of that group.
So 2 percent of 2 percent.
Lucky me.
At the time, I had a very real reason based on some pathology results that I won't bore you with, to think that it may have been curtains for me in the not so distant future.
My response wasn't jump on a plane. It wasn't to try new things. It wasn't to live life to the fullest a day at a time like I
may have previously fantasized.
It was paralysis.
The thought that of how much time I possibly had left was hidden under the black cloud of how much time I didn't.
All my life I've been working toward something.
A new skill. A goal. A dream. A becoming of some sort.
But with the possibilty of the future beyond the next year or two being nonexistent, I honestly just couldn't see the point.
Why would I work toward something for nothing?
Why would I try to learn new things I could never implement?
The very thing that I love most about life - evolving - had grinded to a halt.
Or so it seemed.
It was the darkest time in my life.
I was functioning in two places at once:
On one hand, hell or high water, I was going to make it through to the other side.
Letting this be the end wasn't even on the table.
On the other hand I was convinced I was doomed.
Every new twinge of pain, every new symptom I'd be convinced that cancer was back, and it was just a matter of time.
But over time the twinges became less and less, the symptoms stopped,
and I slowly (very slowly) started to feel safe again.
I started to allow myself to dream again. To hope again. To plan again.
And weeks became months, and months became years. And here I am 5 years later.
So why am I telling you this?
I recently have had to deal with some complications of radiation.
And once again, I found myself assuming the worst.
Dictating how the future would go with no evidence beyond a chest full of anxiety to support my thoughts.
It put me back in that mental place I was back then where I was convinced the worst was on its way.
And once again I was (fortunuately) wrong.
Anxiety Rules My Life
But I don't want it to.
I live my life imagining worst case scenarios.
I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had worrying about a stunt I have to do.
Or a medical symptom I'm having.
Something my loved ones are dealing with.
Or that maybe I'm just wasting my time pursuing the things I'm working toward.
But looking back on the last few years these scenarious are teaching me a few things.
Yet again, that 99 percent of the things we are worried about or are convinced will happen never do.
We can't know the future no matter how hard we try to mentally prepare for it.
When you build your entire life chasing the future, the thought of losing it us unbearable.
That last one is still the hardest for me.
I’m learning I have to intentionally live my life now.
To stop waiting for some big milestone to bring fulfillment.
To stop hoarding joy for the future, and instead find it in the little moments today.
I'm definitely having a midlife crisis btw (but that's for another email)
But really, it's clarity.
And it’s a reminder I want to leave you with:
You don’t have time to waste.
Doing anything less than what lights you up is unacceptable.
Don’t wait for a medical scare to wake you up. Choose now.
Do something today that matters.
I can’t wait to see what that is.
In other news:
Fight Lab 1.0 is in full swing.
This has been such an incredible learning process for me and I'm having a blast.
We've barely even broken the surface and my students are already messaging me about how much they are learning.
The thing I'm most excited about is their willingness and drive to take their future into their own hands.
It's so important.
I hope you have a great weekend!
Caleb
Short Form Filmmaker
Story Engine Starter
