Fear is Expensive
It's 2011.
I straighten my crooked tie as I enter my AT&T store job through the back door.
Corporate signage lines the walls.
Sales tactics. Approved product phrasing. The newest iPhone features.
I despise this clinical space deeply.
It's been 2 years since I took this high paying commission sales job to save up enough money to finally move to Los Angeles.
I told myself that if I just put in 6 months of focused effort here, I'd finally be able to take the leap.
But here I stand over two years later, starting my shift and already counting down the minutes until I can go home.
This isn't a way to live I think to myself.
My habitual morning mental spiral is interrupted by my boss poking his head through the door to the sales floor.
"Caleb can I talk to you for a minute please?"
We walk to the back office.
"Shut the door behind you and take a seat."
I know what this is about.
My mental state has been bleeding into my performance the last few months.
I've gotten in the habit of only talking to a customer when all of the other sales reps are occupied.
"What's going on man?" he asks me
"What do you mean?" I play dumb.
He doesn't waste time.
"Caleb when you started this job, you told me your goals, and I was okay with them. You said you wanted to bust your butt so you could move to LA."
Like a little kid in trouble I'm avoiding eye contact, a bad habit I picked up in my frequent visits to the principals
office over my school years.
"Listen man, I know you aren't trying to move up in the company. I know this job is supposed to be a stepping stone for you, but as your boss, I still have to hold you accountable for your performance. And as someone who cares about you, I just want you to think about what your bigger goal is. You aren't going to get there like this."
He was right. For the rest of the day on the sales floor I had the same thought rattling around in my head.
I had the job to make the money I needed, and the sales skills to do it too. So why wasn't I?
A Life Not Lived
Last week I was in traffic contemplating what my life would look like had I not ever left home to pursue my dreams.
The thought of still being at AT&T or some other job, and the things I wouldn't have done as a result of that sent a chill down
my spine.
In my mind’s eye, I watched it all vanish:
All the films I’ve worked on… gone.
The skills I’ve built around filmmaking and stunts… erased.
And the passions I do in my downtime: Jiujitsu. Kiteboarding. Photography trips.
They don’t exist in that version of my life.
In that “safe” world, I never meet my girlfriend in LA because I had no reason to be there. I never meet any of the people who’ve become my best friends over the past 15 years.
And in that moment I realized something that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.
Fear is expensive.
When I was at that old job "saving money," I lived my life thinking two weeks at a time, with fear dictating any larger timeline.
I think a lot of us do that.
I’d tell myself, "I didn’t save money this sales cycle, but it’s fine, I’ll start fresh on Monday."
A week or two isnt that big of a deal after all.
But the problem isn't that 2 weeks. It's the 2 weeks after that that turns into 2 months, that turns into 2 years, that turns into
our whole lives being chipped away at 2 weeks at a time as we convince ourselves that one day we'll take the leap.
And when I look back on it, I can see the self sabotage.
Giving myself endless grace to just recalibrate every pay period in order for this one to be the one I finally start making moves,
allowed me to justify half assing it 2 weeks at a time so I'd never have to make that decision to move forward.
My boss calling me out that day, forced me to look internally at what was really going on.
It wasn't the job
It wasn't the money
It was me.
As a Stuntman and Fight Coordinator in the film industry, I've been fortunate enough to make a good living doing what I love.
But the biggest cost of letting fear dictate my path as I dragged my feet at my old job wasn’t money.
It was opportunity.
And even heavier than that…
It was the most valuable thing we have:
Time.
So if you're where I was, with a big goal or dream, but you can't seem to get moving, I want you to ask yourself:
What is this fear really costing me?
I'll see you next week
Caleb
Short Form Filmmaker
Story Engine Starter
